


Do You Call Yourself A fucking Hurricane Like Me ?

by quesalpha (ummonique)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Disability, Disabled Character, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Physical Disability
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-20
Updated: 2015-11-20
Packaged: 2018-05-02 13:01:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5249144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ummonique/pseuds/quesalpha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>cp!Phil is right brained and Dan is left brained.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Do You Call Yourself A fucking Hurricane Like Me ?

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer : i'm literally writing from physical/ emotional experience as a disabled person. so please don't send me messages saying i'm trivializing disability, if you want to ask me anything privetly, my tumblr is 'Lesterkinky' enjoy :)

Do you call yourself a fucking hurricane like me?

No one understood that Phil didn’t even have to try to be invisible: he was by default.

The world was custom built for abled bodies and asking for anything was an inconvenience and greedy, yet they took the disabled parking spots because apparently people who need it still weren’t able enough to have recognition. Apparently existing wasn’t enough for the abled people. Phil especially hated when people with disabilities ask for proper representation up and abled people would get mad saying they get represent enough ‘haven’t you seen breaking bad, Phil? There’s a guy with cerebral palsy in it, get over yourself’.  He was tired of feeling like the value of his existence amounted to being a sidekick.

Phil was lucky enough to have mild cerebral palsy, only on his left side. Knowing he could hide his disability from strangers gave him a great deal of ease. Sometimes he got treated like he was abled but his feeling of shame grew as if he were cheating on his body. He couldn’t run too fast, couldn’t ride a bike, do up his own shoes, cut up his own dinner, even wanking became tiring for him and he could never fully appreciate his orgasm because his whole upper body was spent. But, he taught himself to play piano one handed, he could swim, and he didn’t need an aid in class.

 

Phil walked into math, his favourite subject. He excelled in math and science as he was right brained because of his disability. Things like art and reading and English were difficult and didn’t come naturally to him compared to numbers.

He sat in his usual seat at the back because sitting anywhere else just showcased he didn’t have any friends. Not that he didn't try ’it was just hard when being around other disabled people he was more abled than them most of the time didn’t like his ‘abled body passing’ privilege which he didn’t understand. Because erasing his identity was a privilege?

But being around abled people made him the most fragile and nobody wanted a friend they had to wait for to catch up with them walking down the hallway. “Dan Howell, you’re not in this class, please leave immediately” Phil looks up to see Dan. He sometimes forgets he’s known Dan since preschool. They hadn’t spoken before, but Dan always seemed so friendly.

“I’m on the roll, I moved math classes” Dan finally speaks. That’s the most Phil has ever heard him talk, he found Dan’s voice kind of soothing.

When Phil looks up again, he is met with Dan standing in front of the desk besides Phil. “I hope you don’t mind me sitting at the back, I don’t like people seeing me” _nobody sees me_ , Phil doesn’t say. When Dan sat down, Phil froze, he wasn’t actually sure if Dan knew about his disability. His long pants hid his orthotic and he never wore his orthotic when it was the weekend. He snaked his bad hand down to his lap anyways, just in case

~

By the end of the first period of their double period, Dan and Phil realized how much they have in common and scribbled down his number on a piece of paper. Phil rolled his eyes, “I have a phone you know”

“Oops”~

 **Dan** : I cannot believe Grant, what a dick.

 **Dan** : like who are you to tell me who I can and can’t love

 **Dan** : homophobic twat

It was now 9:30 and they had been texting for five hours.

 **Phil** : oh, I didn’t know you were

 **Phil** : I thought you were straight, I’m sorry.

Phil: I mean I am too? Not really I like girls but I don’t

 **Phil** : but I don’t see anyone ever wanting me so I don’t matter that way

Backspace

Phil:

 **Phil** : I don’t know, ignore me

 **Phil** : ignore him

Phil felt a rush of anxiety, wanting to flush his phone down the toilet to avoid the response.

 **Dan** : oh, I actually assumed you were straight too. I don’t know what I am but I like people. I don’t like labels

 **Dan** : I sounded so gross, block me as soon as possible

~

About two weeks later, Dan invited himself over to Phil’s for a star wars marathon and oddly, Phil didn’t feel panicked. Not until they started to walk to Phil’s house together and Phil remembers he might not be able to keep up, but somehow he ends up ahead of Dan a few times.

Then dinner happened. Phil hoped that didn’t notice his food was already cut up for him when his mother brought it up to them.

 ‘You weren’t supposed to be able to walk or talk, you can hide pre cut food, goddamn it Phil’ he thinks about four hundred times before the food was even brought up.\

Dan does question how Phil ate so quickly, but Phil just shrugs and says he was hungry. Phil tries best he can to walk with his foot symmetrical to his best food, He tried to hide his right hand as much as he could and he tried to be as able as he could be.

~

“so, your mum paid for you to move up a math class” Phil sucks his bottom lip.

“Two. I just don’t get number shit”

 “So, you don’t like science as well, I’m assuming? Phil asks.

 “No, ” Dan chews his bottom lip

“Oh, so you’re right brained then, because you said you write and paint and stuff” Phil smiles. Then, as he gets up until he realized what he said and his smile slowly drops to a frown. That wasn’t something abled people think about the way he does, he wasn’t something abled people think about.

“Yeah” Dan says and even though Phil is facing away from Dan he can hear a smile in his voice. “So, I’m guessing that you are left brained then?”

“Yeah” Phil smiles.

 

~

It’s almost two weeks later when Dan finally tells phil.

“Wait, you knew about my disability?” Phil feels like his whole body is shaking. Dan felt like his first real friend but he felt like this was Dan’s nice way of letting him down.

 “Yeah, I heard your orthotic click when we walk around together and I notice how your right hand copies your left hand whenever you do anything, I just thought talking about it wasn’t something you would want to do, but on Friday night your mum told me you were trying to purposely hide it from me” Dan frowns, but Phil is too focused on his shaking upper limbs to think about how much he wanted to reach forward and gently press his good thumb against Dan’s bottom lip. “Why?” Dan whispers, which makes Phil’s stomach flutter.

“Because” Phil sighs sadly, too tired to try hold composure. “I get that I’m a burden” Phil says behind gritted teeth, if Dan didn’t want to be here, I would make sure to be the one to do the pushing, do the hurting. “No one has ever voluntarily wanted to spend time with me, I don’t think my mum counts and I just wanted to spend time with someone” with you Phil doesn’t say.

“By the way, the thing that happens with my hands is called mirror movements” Phil almost growls. “Well, you’re not a burden and I want to spend time with you all the time actually” Dan replies with an almost identical growl. “You’ll realize how wrong you are, you’ll get sick of me” Phil says steadily, he believed his own words more than anyone else.

“You’ll realize you’re wrong” Dan replies fiercely.

~

The next few weeks Phil had to remind himself to not hide from Dan, he started to grow more comfortable with having his right hand out in the open and Dan knew when to help Phil do something and when Phil was okay doing things for himself.

Phil had begun to notice how pretty Dan is. How soft his skin looks, how nice his hair looked, how beautiful his eyes are and how kissable his lips looked. He didn’t quite understand what his feelings were because he came to the conclusions years ago that those sort of feelings weren’t allowed for him. Who would want to date him anyway? Surely the doctors’ appointments and exercises would make him high maintenance and a nuisance, who would willingly deal with that?

Also the constant anxiety of shopping, of being too slow and holding up people was too much so his mum always bought him things and ordered his food, surely that would annoy someone he was dating.

He decided he was protecting other people by trying to suppress any romantic feelings. He could usually nip feelings like this in the bud, but Dan made his knees shake and his heart ache and race at the same time. He would spend so much smiling to himself that his cheeks hurt, he’d rather talk to Dan than eat and he probably has cried three times because he didn’t think anything could make him feel so present.

“Mum, I feel like I’m going to die, I actually feel sick, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and I keep sweating, should I go to the doctors” Phil worriedly ranted to his mother one morning and Phil’s mum laughed so much she ended up doubling over.

 “Oh, Phil honey, you’re love-sick” she finally says and Phil’s stomach flips. After that, Phil could barely look Dan in the eyes, he couldn’t be falling in love after trying for so long not to.

Little touches like when they walked around together and their hands sometimes touched, when they would lay down on the floor to do homework and Dan would hook his foot with Phil’s or even when Dan helped take his jumper off made him feel like he was floating but on fire at the same time. “You should tell him” Phil’s mum says one day and an overwhelming feeling hit Phil in the gut instantly. Having feelings was something he just accepted, verbalizing them made it real enough for it to crumble down.

“Hey Phil” they were lying down on Phil’s bed, just listening to each other breathe and Phil couldn’t help but notice his heart beat in time with Dan’s breathing. “Dan?” his voice sounds more nervous than he intended. Phil sits up and shuffles so he crosses his legs and faces Dan. “I, uh, ” Dan sounds kind of nervous, which made Phil immediately panic, thinking of the worst case scenarios.

 “I researched mild cerebral palsy and, like, is it true you have different sensations in different parts, uh, sides of your body?” Dan sits up and shuffles so he’s sitting cross legged facing Phil.

Phil’s heart stops and he feels like he’s about to cry, which he noticed had been a recurring feeling as of late. Dan had taken time out of his life to research his disability.

 “Yeah, kind of, I’m not sure how to explain it properly” Phil bows his head “like if my eyes are shut and I’m being touched, like one body part at a time, my left side would feel it but right side probably wouldn’t. If that makes sense at all, ” he looks up to meet Dan’s eyes.

“Could I try?” Dan bites his lip. Phil just raises his eyebrows for an explanation. “uh, close your eyes” Dan whispers. Suddenly Phil’s heart beats so hard that he feels his skin making room for it so it could shoot out of him and jump into Dan’s lap. But Phil trusts Dan so he shuts his eyes and lets out a soft giggle

 

“Am I touching you?” Phil felt Dan’s god sent fingers lightly tap down Phil’s left arm. Phil nodded.

“Am I touching you?” Phil couldn’t feel anything so he shook his head. His eyes fly open when Dan laces his hand with Phil’s bad hand. No one has ever held his bad hand except maybe his mum. “Oh my god, did I make you uncomfortable, you’re crying. Fuck, I’m sorry”

Phil bit his lip. He just wanted to reach out and gently touch Dan’s cheek with his right hand (his bad hand) but he knew his damn hand would curl into a fist instead of stay flat. He just wanted his thumb to trace  Dan’s face, know for sure, he was real and maybe Phil could feel real too then.

Phil visited the hospital constantly, he always had people touching him, poking and prodding at his body and Phil would fake a smile no matter how uncomfortable he was. But, this, this was exposure to him, Dan holding his bad hand.

Phil bit his lip. he just wanted to reach out and gently touch Dan’s cheek with his right hand but he knew his damn hand would curl into a fist instead of stay delicate and  flat against Dan’s cheek.. he just wanted his thumb to trace Dan’s face, know for sure, he was real and maybe Phil could feel real too then.

As Dan leaned in closer, Phil let the tears fall down his cheeks; a horrible thought had struck him. What if when Dan was kissing him, he remembered that Phil is retarded?

Dan presses his lips to Phil’s and Phil doesn’t kiss back immediately, remembering his lack of experience. He pulls away, keeping their hands entwined and frowns at Dan, mouthing an ‘I’m sorry’.

“I’m nervous too” Dan whispers, not understanding. Phil just bites his lip unsure of what to do. Dan leans forward again and their lips awkwardly collide, Phil surprises himself by keeping up with Dan as their kissing becomes more heated. Dan’s shirt ended up somewhere on the floor before he helped Phil with his shirt, also throwing it carelessly.

They moved further up Phil’s bed, Phil underneath Dan as Dan started kissing Phil’s neck gently.

“This okay?” Dan licks his lips as he looks down at Phil. Phil couldn’t help but notice Dan always looked like he was searching for something when he looked at Phil, Phil desperately wanted to know what Dan was searching for. “More than okay” Phil replies (trying to ignore the anxious tug in his body.)

Dan smiles at Phil and fuck Dan’s smile gives Phil gross feelings of happiness. But Phil can also feel that all of Dan’s actions were cautious which made him a bad kind of nervous. Dan starts kissing down Phil’s torso, making each kiss slow and sweet, making the experience less intimidating.

“Phil, I, do you want me too?” Dan didn’t need to specify what he meant, it was obvious enough “I mean I never have but I’d like to, if you’d like”

Phil just nods, giving Dan a reassuring smile even though inside, he was on the verge of a breakdown. Touching and being touched is something Phil still didn’t understand despite sixteen years of life, he was always focused on the position of his hands or legs that he kind of doesn’t have time to appreciate the emotion that’s supposed to be attached. Was this what it was like? Feeling like Dan’s skin was made in a factory like it was made just to touch Phil, make Phil tingle but burn every time they came in contact, make Phil want to watch Dan ‘s every move, hoping they’d somehow come in contact, make Phil think about Dan even as he’s inches away from sleep, was this the emotional thing with touching he never understood before.

As Dan helped Phil wiggle out of his pants a thought hit Phil like a brick had just been dropped onto his chest. He’s never had an orgasm, he wasn’t even sure if he could, he never had anyone to talk to about this with, was sex even an option for him?

Phil extends his hands to grab a fistful of Dan’s hair like he’d seen in movies. His left hand makes a legible grab, but his right-hand makes a pathetic limp grab, eventually balling back into a fist. (Phil finds out he in fact can have orgasms and come just fine).

~

Holding Dan’s hand was okay when he was holding in his left hand, holding Dan’s hand with his right hand was scary, and no matter how many times Dan would grab it and hold on, Phil would still try to pull away.

Phil walked into math late to find Dan in their seats, except Dan was in Phil’s seat. Phil raised both eyebrows, as he walked towards Dan, who had a smug look on his face.

“Um, excuse me Howell?’

 “I wanted to sit here today” Dan shrugs, Phil noticed Dan’s eyebrow twitching.

After the teacher explains what they’re supposed to be doing, Phil turns to Dan to explain what they’re supposed to be doing. As Phil turns, Dan grabs his right hand, intertwining his fingers with Phil while Phil was in enough shock to not pull away.

Phil tries to control his bad hand as well as he can. He can feel his right hand fidget, trying to escape Dan’s grasp as Phil wrote with his good hand. He glanced up to Dan and gave an apologetic smile which Dan looked confused by. “Am I like scratching or pinching you with my nails?” Phil whispered.

“No, it’s fine, I don’t mind, it’s nice that we can just hold hands, you don’t have to let go to do something with your good hand now”

~

The first two months of whatever they flew by and Phil’s constant state of panic was becoming more of a constant feeling of warmth as the weeks went on.

 “Can I try to, err?” Phil quickly brought his hand to his mouth so he could chew on his nails as he waited for Dan’s reply. “Try to what?” Dan giggled at how cute Phil was. Phil made a gesture with his hand and mouth that made Dan go bright red.

 “Oh, if, I mean, if you want to” Dan shifts so he can grab Phil’s hand, “I wouldn’t get mad if you didn’t, I don’t mind.

“I want to” Phil nods.

Touching Dan is still scary, his hand doesn’t do much of anything he wanted it to do, but he’s pretty sure Dan doesn’t notice.

 When they’re done, Phil rolls over so Dan can’t see the tears that Phil couldn’t even explain to himself. He expects Dan to just get up and leave, then he feels Dan’s hand draped around his waist before giving a firm tug to bring them together. “I don’t think you get it Phil, “ he whispers.

~

Dan coming over on Saturdays was usual, but today Phil’s mum was out which meant they had the whole afternoon by themselves.

 “I really like kissing you” Phil whispers, using his fingers to make shapes along Dan’s face. Dan giggles. “I love that we get to kiss” Dan replies.

 “Can we do more than kissing? More than the other days? Please?”. Phil knew if he didn’t ask now, he probably wouldn’t. Dan opens his mouth to say something, but Phil shakes his head. “I have everything; I’ve thought about it, I’m sure.” Dan nods in silent reply.

As they both undress, Phil starts to shake and cry (again) and Dan stops and looks at Phil with that look he gives him like he’s searching inside of Phil. “I just, you’re so gentle, I trust you to not break me” Phil starts to properly cry “ it's okay if you don’t want to now, sorry.” Phil says between sobs. “I’m all gross now.”.

“No, no, you’re never gross” Phil chuckles when he realizes that Dan had started to cry. “Please tell me if I’m hurting you at any point, okay?” Dan squeezes Phil’s hand really tight and with that they both start crying again.

~

It’s on a Friday afternoon when they decide to go to a fish and chip shop after school instead of going straight to Phil’s house. “I’m sorry, the walk was really long for me, I just need to sit down and catch my breath, have a drink” Phil was embarrassed. Dan didn’t even break a sweat and here was Phil, struggling to breathe.

“Why don’t you get us a seat and I’ll get our stuff? Dan leans forward to quickly kiss Phil’s cheek.

Dan gets their food and drinks and joins Phil at the table he was sitting at. Dan opens Phil’s drink and slides it over to Phil before picking up one chip and blowing into it to cool it down.

 “Here” Dan extends his hand to Phil’s face, the chip held between his pointer finger and his thumb. Phil smiles as he leans forward to take a bite. “Hey, Phil”

“mmm?”

“Will you be my boyfriend?” Dan looks Phil in the eyes as he continues feeding him chips.

“Mmmkay” Phil mumbles with a full mouth.

“Good, cause I’m kind of in love with you” Dan whispers. Phil immediately swallows what was left in his mouth.

 “I’m sorry, what was that?” he smirks and Dan progressively grows redder. “I’m in love with you” Dan says a bit more loudly.

 “Sorry, didn’t catch that” Phil wiggles both eyebrows.

 “I said that I love you” Dan says loudly enough that a few people turned to look.

“You’re mumbling, Dan” Phil giggles. With that, Dan stands up. “I love you, Phil Lester, I love you” Dan looks around to see everyone looking at him. “Hi, I’m Dan, I’m in love with this dickhead” Dan gestures to Phil.

Phil giggles and stands up to. “Okay, Dan, I think they get it” Dan just rolls his eyes before leaning in and kissing Phil, hands snaking around Phil’s waist to pull him closer, Phil’s hands resting on Dan’s shoulders.

 “I love you, Dan” Phil finally says.

 “Are you crying again?”

 “Maybe”


End file.
